( 5am - Oct 9, 2009) Let me say up front that we lack nothing. We have a roof over our head, shoes on our feet, and food to eat. In regards to my destiny - I can't wait to get there but for now I am happy (it wasn't always that way, but that's another story). So, what I mean by exposing myself is that I am going to lay it all out there, unmask myself, or make myself subject to who knows what:) I am sure this will help with getting over what people think, right? It is not easy to live behind a mask. And maybe, just maybe by doing this (writing) it will force me to unmask and find some more freedom. You will get to know who I am and maybe in the process it will help you get to know more of who you are too. Maybe this will, in way, help us to, as we use to say, "stay real". For most of us, I think we loose this realness as we grow older. Yesterday, I had sort of a breakdown.

You see - my major struggle since high school has been "figuring" out what I should do career wise. NO, I didn't know early on that I wanted to be this or that. I didn't even think about it until after high school. No one even asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now that I think about it - damn them for not asking (I better remember to ask my kids).  Anyway, I have about 130 college credits, which is enough for a bachelors degree, but I all I have is an associates. Why no bachelors? I took all the classes that I wanted to take (mostly philosophy). Was that a mistake? I guess it doesn't matter now, huh?  Oh, yea, that includes 5 different colleges. Hey, at least I got somewhat of a diverse education.

(9:24am - Oct 11, 2009) Sorry, I am finishing sometime later. I had to stop writing because it was early morning and my 6 month old woke up and I need to take him so mom can sleep. I also just realized that it is hard to come back to a moment of writing that is in the past. I guess I'd better find a better time to write. With that said -  I will try to continue and start with a little more history. Most of my work in the past 8 years (years I have been married) have consisted of construction work and technology. Both of which I enjoy and like to do. More recently, I have been helping people by creating their websites and teaching them how to reach their audience using social media. The core of my mental "work" breakdown was that the work doesn't feel like it is enough. There is this feeling of "I can do more" or "offer more or want to know that I can make a bigger difference". For awhile, I wanted to help people figure out what their most "ideal" job could be and help them move into it. There is nothing wrong with this but my perspective at the time was that we can be totally "happy" if we had the perfect job. I know that is not the case now. Our "happiness" comes from elsewhere. What I am trying to say? I think what really is bothering me is that I still don't feel like I have found my "thing" and I am not sure what to do next in order to get closer to that "thing". I haven not found something I can pour my heart into -  something I can be totally be passionate about.

(9:45 - Oct 12, 2009) I had to leave writing again for a whole day and half. Man! This is not easy. This post is already getting to long and so I might have to split it into two. Here is what was going through my head and what I was feeling at the time I pretty much spiraled down.

1. it is not easy working for yourself
2. finding clients is tough and I need some by next month
3. I am not totally passionate about this stuff (at least parts of it)
4. how the hell did I end up here in this place and why????
5. am I on the right path and how does effect my destiny?
6. what exactly is my next step? (this is probably the most difficult of them all)
7. I have 5 kids to feed.....ummmmm!
8. my wife must think I'm crazy:)
9. does all this really matter anyway?
10. I am loosing energy thinking about all this
11. how in the world do I face this reality

I am going to have to continue later... ---- Photo Credit: Slawek Lopko