So, what was the real reason I broke down, fell into despair, and life seemingly turned dark? Why did I have to stop everything I was doing in that moment? It seemed like time stopped and I fell into some dark hole surrounded by a cloud of existential angst (don't worry, it has passed). Now, as I look back, I think the struggle with my work only deepened a desir for concrete answers to my deepest questions and my deepest needs; the need to belong, the need to know that my life is part of some bigger thing or story and the need to be a "part" in that story.

As I think back on that moment, I am realizing exactly what caused that moment. I came to grips with the fact that I don't have control. THAT'S IT! I don't have  full control of my circumstances and the circumstances of my future. That is the reason why I had that despairing moment. NOT having full control of the journey that I find myself in...totally scared me. Toward the end of my breakdown, of which am grateful for, I had to surrender my desire for control and in that moment I felt freedom never felt before.

Know what I'm saying????

Photo credit Slawek Lopko